How to build better relationships by being curious.

If you want to build better relationships, relationships that bring joy, hope, energy, happiness, and love; continue to read this blog.

We have all heard the phrase:

“Curiosity killed the cat.”

This was something often said to me when I was a young child as I would pull out my favorite question of all time.

“But, Why?”

“Why Can’t I?”

“Why not?”

As I have started to study people, relationships, and life; I have quickly realized that curiosity is not annoying, but in fact it can be one of the most powerful tools we have to connect, acknowledge, and understand people.  Let me explain, because this statement is often met with an eye brow reaction displaying confusion and the internal thought of “bullshit,” (sometimes the external expression in those more outgoing people).

The negative trap perceptions and assumptions have on building better relationships

It is easy for us to make decisions in our relationships based on assumptions and perceptions.

We think the person feels a certain way.

We think a comment is intended in a certain way.

We think a persons actions reflect certain feelings/thoughts.

We think that people are not doing something for a certain reason.

There is a common word in the above statements that reflects why we might be missing the opportunity to connect and serve at a deeper level.   It is the belief that we THINK something to be true, but we don’t really know.   We base so much of our responses to people’s actions and statements based on what we THINK to be true, but guess what:   None of us are mind readers (well there might be a few reading this and in that fact Kudos to your gift).  Our perceptions, if not accurate, will create a response in our relationships that has the potential to miss the mark of connection and even cause more disconnect.

For Example:

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and they made a comment and you perceived that the person was upset with you, because of the tone or content of the comment?

If you answered yes, continue to follow along (If you answered no, please continue to follow along anyway, ha).  As you perceived the comment to be one of anger or disappointment, you react and respond to the comment with defensiveness, frustration, or anger back.

The person who made the original comment is confused that you are being defensive, because the comment actually was not directed at you, but it was internal as they are frustrated with themselves/or another situation.   They then start to wonder why you are being defensive (and possibly rude) and they get upset and confused that you don’t understand them.

Your false perception that the comment was an attack, just created a disconnect that confused and upset the other person.  What was once possibly not an angry comment, now turns into anger or frustration as the two of you continue to miss the mark with your communication.

How to effectively use our perception to have better communication in relationships:

This scenario happens all to often in relationships and responding to people in our life through perceptions can be a weapon that breaks down and even destroys relationships.  Now, our perception of a situation is not a bad thing.  We all perceive situations before we act and this is human nature. Our perception can actually provide to be a valuable tool, it we combine it with curiosity.

Example:

Imagine in that same scenario, from above, where you had the perception that the individual was mad, upset, angry, disappointed, etc.

Instead of taking that perception to be true, you instead utilize that perception to get curious.  Why are they mad?  Why are they sad? What are they disappointed?

Now that you have that question in your head, instead of responding on what you “THINK” to be true, you allow curiosity to take over and you take action: You ask yourself the question “Why are they mad,” and then you externally ask the person “I hear what you are saying, but I just wanted to understand where you are coming from.  You seem upset are you okay?”

When we do this, we just made the decision to not use our perception of a situation to lead our conversation, but instead we allow curiosity to uncover the correct information.  Once we have the correct information, we can respond with better data (the truth) and then respond in a way that actually ads value to the person/situation.

It seems simple, but this can be one of the hardest things to do.  If we are not mindful of how we are showing up, it is just too easy to respond and react from our perceptions.  When we focus on being curious, we allow the truth and accurate information guide the connection and communication.

Example: Imagine if someone said “I will give you a million dollars if you answer this question correctly.” Which option would you choose:

A. You are pretty sure you know the answer 80% sure (heck 99% sure).  So you answer it with out all of the data and information, but based on a pretty solid perception of what you know to be true.

B. You are pretty sure you know the answer, but instead of just using “pretty sure,” you collect more data. You call someone, you look up the answer, or you ask the person.   Once you do this, you get the correct answer and now you are 100 percent sure you know.

I am pretty sure everyone reading this would say option B.  I mean there is a million dollars on the line, why wouldn’t you get all the information and be certain.  Well, my relationships, especially my closest, are way…..way……way more important than a million dollars.  So why wouldn’t I gain clarity, get curious, and get the data needed to have the best possible conversation?  Exactly, I should and I would (If I am aware and conscious of it).

Take action with clarity to build better relationships

When you take this action, and gain clarity before you respond, you do several things that can have a massive positive impact on your relationships:

 

You acknowledge their feelings and let the other person know that you acknowledge them and their feelings.

You demonstrate a sense of caring and understanding.

You respond more accurately, so that you an provide more influence to actually impact ht person in a positive way.

You build trust.

You build a stronger connection.

I can go on and on and on and on with this, but you get the point…..

Use This Formula

Instead of responding based on assumptions and perceived beliefs, follow this process:

1. Listen to the perception.

• This person is mad.

2. Gain clarity on the perception.

• Why would they be mad?

3. Take Curious Action.

• “Are you okay, you seem upset right now?”

4. Listen to what they say and collect the data and truth.

5. Acknowledge what they are saying and respond with better data:

• “I totally understand x, y, z and give them the solution/value/love/etc.”

Try This Method & Build Better Relationships

[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyaVb2hJbGQ[/embedyt]