This one will be short and sweet!
Yes, I will throw in a Walter Payton reference any chance I can get!
So one of the reasons for writing this blog is to provide myself an outlet to release feelings and emotions that in the past I have hidden in an attempt to showcase this persona of being tough and courages. What I am learning is that sharing all of these feelings and emotions is scary has hell. I actually believe that sharing how I am feeling and opening up my true feelings of hurt, sadness, pain, depression is actually more courages than being a tough guy. As awards came rolling in for being courages (Jimmy V Award, Gene Autry Courage Award, NCAS Giant Steps award, the Sparky Golden Heart award) it made it harder and harder to share my true feelings of disappointment and fear that I was facing. I thought that if I opened up I would no longer be that courages and tough person that people looked up to and used for inspiration. What I am learning is that opening up has actually provided me with more real, open, and honest conversations. I am coming to grips with the idea that opening up about my feeling does not make me any less courages, but instead it makes me feel stronger and sometimes it feels like Sir Charles Barkley has finally jumped off my back (Yeah, that is a lot of weight).
I am learning that I still deserve the awards I won, but I wish I would have shared one thing when I gave all of those speeches. It is ok to be scared and lean on the ones you love to help you get through tough situations. This does not make you any less courages. In fact, I think the true cowards way is holding in that fear, hiding your true feelings, and suppressing emotions in an effort to portray this image that you feel everyone else expects from you. I actually think that sharing my feelings now is actually the hardest and most courages thing I have ever done.
So to be real, the last couple days it has taken ever ounce of energy I have to just get up and drive and get out of my car. 99.9999 percent of my body and my mind just wanted to lay there and wallow in pity. I wanted to lay there and think about all the mistakes I have made, the things I have lost, the love that is gone, and the pain that is constantly stabbing me in my heart. To be honest, for about 48 hours it won! I will be real, I hung out in Houston thinking about the next move, the next stop on the journey and so much of me was telling myself I can’t do it.
I am not sure what exactly it was: probably a call from my favorite life coach, an chat with an amazing counselor, a text from 3 family members saying they loved me and they were proud of me, and a Facebook message from one of my best friends in the world encouraging me to keep moving forward and that she loves reading about my journey. Whatever it was, I finally flipped the ignition, rolled out of the Houston city limits, gassed up my car, cleaned up the trunk (Shane you will be proud – it looks legit now), grabbed an Oven roasted chicken Sandwich from Subway (thanks mom for the gift card and yes Kristina it was a Subway from a gas station, and like always you are correct, it didn’t taste the same) and I headed towards New Orleans. The entire drive my anxiety was beating me down, for 5 hours it just kicked my ass (damn country music when you have a broken heart- it should be outlawed). I got into New Orleans still feeling low and as I laid down to sleep in my car and my mind raced and raced and raced, but an hour conversation with my sister definitely helped bring me back down to earth.
So I woke up today, I got a good workout in at LA fitness, got a new shirt (9.99 – I should be a pro budget shopper) and I watched USC move to the round of 32 at BJ’s while I ate some Salmon and drank about 10 glasses of water. I won’t lie and say that I am feeling 100 percent, but I will say that I got up and I moved and I am moving forward. I know I will have more bad days ahead, but the goal is to have more great days and learn from the good and the bad. Because in the end that is all we can really do – is learn and grow.
Let’s get it! Oh and I want everyone to say a little prayer for me today: Please Pray that U of A loses to Saint Mary’s tomorrow in the NCAA tournament – GO SUN DEVILS!