Meditation Day 1: Thoughts of Fear of Failure
the action or practice of meditating.“a life of meditation”
a written or spoken discourse expressing considered thoughts on a subject.plural noun: meditations“his later letters are intense meditations on man’s exploitation of his fellows”
Day 1 of meditation, a success. Well I wasn’t actually sure on what I was doing, but the environment, the wind, the sand, and the peacefulness made for an amazing experience. If you are ever in New Mexico, I would reccomend visiting the White Sands National Monument.
So I laid my yoga mat down, tried to get into criss cross applesauce, but I realized that the years of pounding my hips have taken from cancer and basketball, have decreased my flexibility. Yoga needs to be on my calendar ASAP. So I sat down and just tried to get as comfortable as possible. As I sat there, I could hear nothing except for the howling wind in my ear. I could feel the Yoga mat flipping all around and beautiful white sand hit me in my face.
As I started, I could just feel thoughts and energy just circling in my head. The one thought that was constantly on my head was failure, failure, failure. Just like my passion, my fear of failure has always been something that has been one of my greatest blessings and one of my greatest curses. While I worked to gain an athletic scholarship from a tiny village in Northern Illinois, to battling cancer, to competing at a high level: my fear of failure always drove me. I was so scared of failing, that I was constantly trying to overcompensate for what I felt was lacking in my life, my skill, and who I was. I always felt like I was just not good enough, too slow, couldn’t jump high enough, not athletic enough, etc. In life I have always felt like I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t strong enough, I wasn’t funny enough, etc. To combat this I would put a smile on my face and use that fear to drive myself to compete to achieve. I got a rush from achieving and it would silence my fear, even for just one second, but it never stopped my thoughts. No matter what I achieved or what awards I won, It was never enough. I would put on a front, sometimes it could come off cocky or maybe extra confident, but in reality it was fighting this fear of not being enough for myself or for someone else. When I got diagnosed with cancer, the fear began to turn itself into depression. I started winning awards for courage and battling and sharing my story, but in my head I constantly had this voice that I was not courages and I was not tough. This fear of failure drove me to achieve some amazing things in life because I could not fail, it was to painful. But, like everyone I have failed, over and over again. When these failures become evident, my mind goes into overdrive and I constantly beat myself up inside. I tell myself I wasn’t any good, I compare myself to others who are achieving success that I thought should have been mine. This has been a constant battle that has waged a ware inside my head for years and it has been a struggle.
As I sat there, things raced through my head: My athletic career, my family, my love, my dreams – and the fear of failure and failure was pushing to get through. It was there and I could feel it telling me to stop meditating and just move on and accept it. As time went on, about 10-15 minutes, I could feel my mind calming down, I was starting to think of nothing, but instead just enjoying the peace, the sand, and the wind. I have a long way to go to get this meditation thing down, but I hope that the little win I got today continues and I can make this a practice that I incorporate into my daily life.
If you have not tried meditating and is is something you have wanted to try, don’t overcomplicated it. There are so many different types of meditation and postures and other best practices, but in the end I think it is just about you and your soul.
To catch a cool looking time lapse video of my session, check out my Instagram:
Here is a an article I found about steps to meditate: Look at number 3 – Just don’t get caught up in the how at first, just start doing it.
- Sit for just two minutes. This will seem ridiculously easy, to just meditate for two minutes. That’s perfect. Start with just two minutes a day for a week. If that goes well, increase by another two minutes and do that for a week. If all goes well, by increasing just a little at a time, you’ll be meditating for 10 minutes a day in the 2nd month, which is amazing! But start small first.
- Do it first thing each morning. It’s easy to say, “I’ll meditate every day,” but then forget to do it. Instead, set a reminder for every morning when you get up, and put a note that says “meditate” somewhere where you’ll see it.
- Don’t get caught up in the how — just do. Most people worry about where to sit, how to sit, what cushion to use … this is all nice, but it’s not that important to get started. Start just by sitting on a chair, or on your couch. Or on your bed. If you’re comfortable on the ground, sit cross-legged. It’s just for two minutes at first anyway, so just sit. Later you can worry about optimizing it so you’ll be comfortable for longer, but in the beginning it doesn’t matter much, just sit somewhere quiet and comfortable.
- Check in with how you’re feeling. As you first settle into your meditation session, simply check to see how you’re feeling. How does your body feel? What is the quality of your mind? Busy? Tired? Anxious? See whatever you’re bringing to this meditation session as completely OK.
- Count your breaths. Now that you’re settled in, turn your attention to your breath. Just place the attention on your breath as it comes in, and follow it through your nose all the way down to your lungs. Try counting “one” as you take in the first breath, then “two” as you breathe out. Repeat this to the count of 10, then start again at one.
- Come back when you wander. Your mind will wander. This is an almost absolute certainty. There’s no problem with that. When you notice your mind wandering, smile, and simply gently return to your breath. Count “one” again, and start over. You might feel a little frustration, but it’s perfectly OK to not stay focused, we all do it. This is the practice, and you won’t be good at it for a little while.
- Develop a loving attitude. When you notice thoughts and feelings arising during meditation, as they will, look at them with a friendly attitude. See them as friends, not intruders or enemies. They are a part of you, though not all of you. Be friendly and not harsh.
- Don’t worry too much that you’re doing it wrong. You will worry you’re doing it wrong. That’s OK, we all do. You’re not doing it wrong. There’s no perfect way to do it, just be happy you’re doing it.
- Don’t worry about clearing the mind. Lots of people think meditation is about clearing your mind, or stopping all thoughts. It’s not. This can sometimes happen, but it’s not the “goal” of meditation. If you have thoughts, that’s normal. We all do. Our brains are thought factories, and we can’t just shut them down. Instead, just try to practice focusing your attention, and practice some more when your mind wanders.
- Stay with whatever arises. When thoughts or feelings arise, and they will, you might try staying with them awhile. Yes, I know I said to return to the breath, but after you practice that for a week, you might also try staying with a thought or feeling that arises. We tend to want to avoid feelings like frustration, anger, anxiety … but an amazingly useful meditation practice is to stay with the feeling for awhile. Just stay, and be curious.
- Get to know yourself. This practice isn’t just about focusing your attention, it’s about learning how your mind works. What’s going on inside there? It’s murky, but by watching your mind wander, get frustrated, avoid difficult feelings … you can start to understand yourself.
- Become friends with yourself. As you get to know yourself, do it with a friendly attitude instead of one of criticism. You’re getting to know a friend. Smile and give yourself love.
- Do a body scan. Another thing you can do, once you become a little better at following your breath, is focus your attention on one body part at a time. Start at the soles of your feet — how do those feel? Slowly move to your toes, the tops of your feet, your ankles, all the way to the top of your head.
- Notice the light, sounds, energy. Another place to put your attention, again, after you’ve practice with your breath for at least a week, is the light all around you. Just keep your eyes on one spot, and notice the light in the room you’re in. Another day, just focus on noticing sounds. Another day, try to notice the energy in the room all around you (including light and sounds).
- Really commit yourself. Don’t just say, “Sure, I’ll try this for a couple days.” Really commit yourself to this. In your mind, be locked in, for at least a month.
- You can do it anywhere. If you’re traveling or something comes up in the morning, you can do meditation in your office. In the park. During your commute. As you walk somewhere. Sitting meditation is the best place to start, but in truth, you’re practicing for this kind of mindfulness in your entire life.
- Follow guided meditation. If it helps, you can try following guided meditations to start with. My wife is using Tara Brach’s guided meditations, and she finds them very helpful.
- Check in with friends. While I like meditating alone, you can do it with your spouse or child or a friend. Or just make a commitment with a friend to check in every morning after meditation. It might help you stick with it for longer.
- Find a community. Even better, find a community of people who are meditating and join them. This might be a Zen or Tibetan community near you (for example), where you go and meditate with them. Or find an online group and check in with them and ask questions, get support, encourage others. My Sea Change Program has a community like that.
- Smile when you’re done. When you’re finished with your two minutes, smile. Be grateful that you had this time to yourself, that you stuck with your commitment, that you showed yourself that you’re trustworthy, where you took the time to get to know yourself and make friends with yourself. That’s an amazing two minutes of your life.