So I find myself parked outside a CVS in Austin, TX at 11:45pm crying in my car. Negative and some dark thoughts were racing through my head.
Can I keep doing this trip?
Why am I not good enough?
How can I move forward when I feel so hopeless?
I had just gotten off the phone with the one women that I love, but recently lost due to my actions created from my depression and anxiety. Everyday I try to gain control and tell her I love her and miss her, but in my attempts; all I do is continue to push here farther and farther away. I had been texting her all day with questions, a result of my fear and insecurity. All of the texts were not fair to her and none of which she owed me any response too. She is absolutely stunning on the inside and out and had spent the last 18 months dealing with my pain, my fear, my insecurities, my depression, and my anxiety and this is her chance to break away and be happy. She has asked for space and for some reason I am not giving her the space she needs to be happy. I mean, doesn’t she deserve to be happy after giving up her own happiness in an attempt to save me from myself for the past year? The love she gave me during that time is something that is about as special as one person can love another and still I selfishly think, “why doesn’t she still love me?” I love her more than anything in the world, so I know what I need to do. I need to stop thinking of my own selfish pain and focus on allowing her to be happy. Like Tim McGraw sang “Just to see you smile,” starts playing in my head.
But as I am all alone on the trip I find myself thinking about her non stop, one of the reasons why I took this trip.
So taking us back to the start, I am sitting in my car after getting off a FaceTime call with her and my little buddy Harley the Shih Tzu. Tears coming down my face as I tell her I will stop reaching out and giving her space. The last words she said to me was “I love you,” so I hold on to those words in my head and still my anxiety and depression are racing. I start thinking about where I am going to sleep, with pillows and a blanket in the back of the car I am searching for a hotel parking lot where I can park and fall asleep in pain and hope that tomorrow brings some light and motivation for me to continue along my journey, although at this point I have little hope this will happen.
As this is happening, I get a Facebook Message from Shane Oliva. Shane Oliva, I haven’t seen or talked to this guy in years! Shane, a former Sun Devil, assistant coach at Central Arizona Community College, and former coach/trainer for Jump Athletic in Phoenix Arizona. The last time I have seen or spoken to Shane was probably 2010, but here he is messaging me asking me if I was in Austin. Shane had seen a post I had made on Facebook about being at UTSA and how I was headed to Austin and he immediately reached out. I mean the guy has not seen me or talked to me in 7 years, but here he is reaching out. I send him my cell phone number and tell him to give me a call in 15 minutes, hoping I can calm down and wipe my tears away and gather myself to sound confident and strong when he calls. My phone rings and he was like “Yo, Brother, what are you doing in Austin?” I tell him about my trip, some of my recent struggles, and the pursuit I am on. I tell him I have been crashing in my car most nights and without a single pause, he said “not tonight.”
He sends me his address and I start my car, feeling a slight piece of hope and journey 5 miles from where I was parked to Shane’s studio apartment. I walk in and I see an air mattress all pulled out and ready for me to crash on. I sit down and he opens up the fridge and he has a fresh 6 pack of my all time favorite beer, Modelo. (If you have not had a Model0, drop the Corona and get a Modelo and a lime and then thank me later for the recommendation).
We sit down and just start talking about life. We share stories of what we have done the past 7 years, basketball, ASU sports, places we have traveled, love life, careers, ideas we have, and passions we want to pursue. Shane tells me about how he is watching “The Kindness Diaries,” on Netflix. I immediately jump up, YES! I just watched that and it is the most amazing art I have ever watched.
As I start opening up and going into detail about how lost I feel with losing my soul mate – Shane stops me and says –
“You have two ears and one mouth for a reason. You need need to listen to what she is saying, you need to trust, and you need to be patient, You just need to let go. What is tough about us Alpha Males is we want to fix things now, we want to grip tighter and hold on to what we have, but really what we need to do is let go, trust, and be patient and let things play out the way they are meant to play out. He then told me no solutions to any problems will be beneficial until you take space, calm down, clear your head, and find yourself. Once you do this, and only then, can solutions be found to the problems you are going through.
Yes, man I needed to hear those exact words.
3 beers later, some amazing meatballs, a bbq sandwich that he cooked up for me, I look at the clock and it is 3:00am. I am still hyper and feeling a rush of energy rushing through my body, but I know I am exhausted so I lay down my head.
I woke up this morning, not free of pain and hurt, but with an energy I did not have yesterday. I went to LA fitness, watched UTSA get a big win over Western KY on my phone, and now I am at an Austin coffee shop letting out all the feelings I was holding in for the past couple of days in this blog post.
The reason for this blog:
How can a single message saying “What’s up,” change a persons’ path and journey?
The answer – a whole hell of a lot!!!
Shane said he wasn’t 100 percent sure why he reached out, but he just felt like he needed too. Obviously there was someone and an energy pushing a connection to be made last night. The simple gesture of reaching out to someone whom you haven’t spoken to in years and opening up your heart, your home, and your fridge, can have a tremendous impact on the path/hope/energy of someone even with just a simple gesture. Shane has no clue how his simple gesture has impacted me in such a powerful way. So I am finishing up this blog, about to go get a haircut and try and look fresh, grab some beer, find some live music, and enjoy my time in Austin with a special individual. I only hope that in the next few days I can provide something in return for Shane to repay him for such a powerful experience.